According to Iva

According to them,
I am sarcastic, I am rude, I am out of my bloody mind

According to them,
I am a mess in a dress, acting cool, as if everything is fine

According to them,
I am all wrong - they are all right, always right

According to them,
I can't be any worse
or any better
Nothing can be fixed
My case is closed
unable to salvage
No one ever bothers
...according to them

BUT

According to Iva,

I am hurtfully sweet,

I am straightforward

I am daring

I am kind

According to Iva,

I am not freaking mentally sick

I am just upset

things will be alright

According to Iva,

I am safe in her heart, and

she misses me a bit, every now and then

and a lot, every once in a while

'cuz

Iva was made out of sugar

and honey

and spring rain, falling softly on pink roses' petal

Everything is fab

according to Ivana,

my Ivana

Dear Iva,

Today, I receive your letter, another one which makes me scream like a freak, happy like a kid, smile like an idiot for the rest of my day, (and probably, week). Your letters have always been exceptionally sweet - I should stop using that particular word, but trust me, my poor vocab does not allow me to find something more precise.

Things aren't that great and I am not always secured. Little rumors can get me a tiny little bit down... Yet, as I sat in a Japanese Restaurant today, enjoying my green tea ice cream when the speaker suddenly played Mirotic, I laughed like a child again, wishing Iva were there. For a second, I was wondering what kind of chaos we both would create... Hyper and nuts screaming "under my skin"? Dancing on the table? Laughing a lot and crying just a bit 'cuz we both miss DBSK too much?

We both are helpless, aren't we? Then again, I am glad, I could really find someone who is sincerely crazy, absolutely emotional and nuts, just like me -  we both aren't perfect, not even close. But together, things are so .. fine and right ^^ . I miss talking to Iva about JJ's one sided love (laugh) and speculate what is going on now behind DB's closed door, those kind of crazy imagination that only Iva would understand I not antis or dreamers, I am just... Linhieee. I hate this distance so much and hate the fact that I could not just be online and see Iva playing with her cat

Then again, through this, I learn, how much Iva means to me, Iva and Insa, and DBSK, and Love in the ice... and different time zones and ... all those private jokes shared among us, those Cassies whose home address is at the same CR, despite our locations in the world. I know I am not that wonderful and great, like what Iva aways thinks of me, but at the very least, I want to be better, to be the better person Iva looks at me and sees me through. So for all the things Iva said, and all the craps I have heard - just to put me down, I am glad, very very glad, there is still this tiny bit of happiness and rainbow in Czech who believes in me.

I should have written this letter in private... sealed it with a kiss ( laugh ) and pressed send with a smile. For once, I just want to "share (with) the world" this "unforgettable" and "beautiful thing", who is my "love in the ice": that I "miss you" with all my "heart, mind and soul" so much so "I can't put into words"

Really miss u, dear

Work hard, and score all the A, and 100% you deserve

I am really looking forward till our next "Insa"

Love,

Linhieee

Rainy blue

rainy blue 


Without a soul in sight, and it's midnight.
Outside the telephone box, and it's rain.
I keep turning the overused dial
and suddenly my finger falters.

I'm drenched in this cold rain and
struck by a bittersweet memory: I'm
at the intersection on the road you take home
and suddenly, my steps stumble.

The headlight of a car that brushes by me
creates a lonely shadow
and I'm searching for your white car
when suddenly, I cover my eyes.

Rainy blue was supposed to have ended
Rainy blue, how far will you follow me?
And so to erase this image of you,
today, again, I am alone with the gentle rain.

The memories bound with the tenderness
of that time pours down upon this street.

It's a rainy blue, it's a rainy blue.
These dripping tears soak my shivering heart.
It's a rainy blue, it's loneliness---


credit: in bloom


.......................................................


...and years after the day we parted, I will still remember my blue umbrella, too fragile to shield me from the tantrum of Britain misery, too small for the both of us: the hurtful me and the facade of you ... You weren't there and there is nothing we can do to change the fact that you weren't there when I needed you the most. I walked alone in the longest path back to my shelter. Without realizing, I walked away from the past... Though, sometime, drench in the rain, I still smile bitterly, thanking that fateful afternoon, when I finally grew up, and let go...

Bath, 2003

For some reasons, I do not wish to return to Bath again. I once loved Bath, loved the magical ring of flower, where I begged Ryan to give me a ride at the middle of the night, just to stand and made a wish, the one that did not come true, I can still recall. Simple things were made complicated back then. I was indeed too romantic. I guess I was much too young and the experience was much too painful for a 14 year old girl. I still keep that umbrella, though 6 years had passed eventfully. Never would I use it again or touch something alike, especially that particular color: sky blue, soft and gentle... There once was a girl in blue, blue umbrella, blue bag, a pair of wet blue shoes, wandering in Bath, searching for the memories of yesterday. 


Maybe I would not have thought of the abandoned blue umbrella again, if I did not get caught in the rain today, after exams... People were rushing to their shelters. Maybe I was the only weirdo who took her own sweet time in the rain. I smiled, for all wound will heal, all tears will dry up, all girls will mature - and maybe turn callous. As I sit comfortably inside my room now, open the window, breath in the familiar smell of Singaporean rain, I wonder: ... Am I ready yet? For more rains and storm - which I no longer avoid. They are my old friends... too familiar, too close...


Do you ever notice the smell of the rain? Of all, I love the one of Hanoi, loathe the one of Bath, indifferent to the one of Singapore... and long for the one of Perugia... How many cites have I passed? How many rain seasons have I gone by? Every time it rains, I recall bits and pieces of my childhood and the gone years... Of the laughter and wonders I shared with my father as a child, of the regret I will hold on for life for disobeying my grandmother...


"Bring an umbrella, ok?" - Now who will remind me such simple thing again? Who will care if I soak my soul in the rain? Who will silently put a raincoat in my bicycle basket for me? Today I stood in the middle of the crossroad... like a lost child.


Rainy blue...


I know you will follow me till the rest of my life, even when one day, I accept my chances of sunshine... Yet, watching my sorrow washed away in the rain, mirroring my reflection in pools of waters on the ground remind the past is real...


And that, thanks to rainy blue, I remember those tiny bits of happiness and sorrow, the combination of sweetness and bitterness that made me who I am today


.....


Am I ready yet? To write it all out?
I guess not... One day I will share it with you.


......


Rainy Blue and DBBlue


Shenzhen Concert is cancelled, more and more accuses and despicable lies... Guess what? You can't hang a person twice, the strong heart that was hurt once would never be hurt the same way again. I catch up with some DBSK news after my 1st week of exam... Ummm... too complicated! I shall not make any comment. As I said "I believe in them", I will keep my words till the end


When I said I will keep the faith, it was simply a promise on my part. I do not ask for anything in return from them - of course, how could I? I wonder why people are falling apart so fast. Declaring that you are no longer a fan - LIKE WE CARE - I guess to a large extent DBSK care. But whoever is meant to stay, will stay with DBSK no matter what. Shinwa's fan have been with them, waiting for Shinwa for the odd 5-6 years, celebrating Shinwa's 10th anniversary. Such love is admirable, for fans ask nothing from each members... Hottest need to learn from Cassies to protet in a more mature manner, but Cassies still need to learn from Shinwa's fan the patience and devotion to their idols. I am not buying all the news from SM - read with a head on your shoulders, stop making noises. It's annoying. Allkpop has started to become my source of laughter nowadays, in the most cynical way. It is pretty fun to watch those pretenders acting AS IF they care, as if FAITH means something to them, as if ... Amazingly I don't feel hurt by their comment anymore. Shallow! One word depicts their traits - that's all.


Still, in this silence, I understand much and learn so much more about press, mass media and something ugly called greed. Whatever happened, Yunho always said, treasure the experience, for even in loss and failure, we learn something valuable. 


.....................


Song of the day: Rainy Blue...
I wonder if I ever cross my pride to revisit those abandoned places of the yester-years. We don't have much time anymore, you know? I am going off and I won't come back... What becomes of us? I am not sure. . . Are we both too proud?


Or it is just me?

:) the A

This is it.

Once and for all those miserable days and sleepless nights

This is it.

3 hours per paper, which worths 2 years of education

4H2 x 2 + 1H1 x 2 = 10 papers in 9 days

This is it.

The A Level 

Tomorrow, 9th till 13th Nov

Next week, 17, 18 and 20th Nov

1 last "cry" on the 3rd Dec

Gonna look back with a HUGE smile.

All the best, people.

All the very very BEST

Packing 1: The wardrobe and my spring color clothes

the art of packing

thinking of the number of days till the moment I can officially go home, puts a smile on my face, not a tiny forced pretentious one, the huge shining (SHINEe, lol) wholehearted one. There is just something I hate - though it's part of my life, a pretty big part:packing

What do I need to sustain my remaining days? Just enough for exams, and school related meetings, I will no longer read that many books... though sometime, just looking at "Chances of sunshine" makes my gloomy day spark and reading Rummy's birthday gift brings calmness to my restless soul. Packing in the middle of my exams seems to prove me this statement is a fact: I am totally out of my mind

It's easy to empty my wardrobe, table and shelves but sometimes, it rips my heart apart to "empty" my memories, throwing away things that once were dear but now I am absolutely aware of their uselessness.

1. Wardrobe

Emptying my wardrobe has always been a challenge. I have not gone out much this year, but being me, I keep things that I may only wear once a year or even none. Redundant things goes first, there fly my colorful clothes. True enough, I had been in black and white even before my grandmother's departure. Till my grandmother 49th days, I still want to keep the tradition, though I am just her grand child, not daughter. I understand it means much to her. Tradition.

Tracing past memories, I remember how much she loved me in spring color: sky blue and baby pink or my shocking green. I didn't usually dress to what my grandmother preferred. It's not about generation gap, but more or less it is due to the nature of my internship. Being a teacher in a high school since 17, it takes more than just a firm mind, an attractive method to gain respect and class attention. I looked 29 when I was barely 18, said my students. Grandmother always asked me why - which I only smiled at her. I wanted to show her more of me this 8 month holiday. I really wanted to, at least bring a date home to make her less worried.

But I guess I was too much too late, to be in sky blue and baby pink, and shocking green for her to smile proudly

I think of her much recently, though I did not tell my mother about it. Simply looking at my blue silk dress makes me tearing up inside. I remember that cheerful smile on her face when I went out in this dress. "So who are you going with?" she asked. "No one, I just wanted to grab a new book" "In such a dress?"

She never knew how I dress up for the past 4 years. Short holidays have been purely work related and lazy days sleeping "on the behalf" of sleepless months. She never saw me in summer dress and proper heels but grey winter coat and black flat shoes. When I start to be a "girl" in its fullest meaning, I have been away from home

"I'd love to see you, in this such dress, you know, for ... a date..."

It took me a while to response: "Sure ma, one day, you will"

I packed my blue dress into one of the box and send it home. The same blue dress Minh saw me in when he caught me studying in Starbuck, the same blue dress he fell for almost immediately. I refuse my chances of sunshine, giving away an opportunity to fulfill my grandmother's wish

20 going 21, I wonder when can ever feel that happiness again, to be in the same blue silk dress in summer heat, to be coated with golden drops from the sky... and to see my grandmother's smile again...


"black black heart... I wish you offer more, I wish you make it easier, on me. Satisfied? I am on fire..."

Old song.
Before I realize it, I am standing in front of an almost-empty wardrobe. 4 years of metamorphosis from a kid to a young lady... Fashion has been my secret language... the desire to be read, to be understood in vain.

It NEVER means NOTHING for a girl to put on a scarf around her shoulders or a light pink dress. It NEVER means NOTHING... just that you could not crack the code and get into their complicated mind, to really see, the real us...

1 task is half done... still so much more to go... In that box of happiness, so many stories are left untold....Maybe in another day, I will let you know. Maybe not... I am still in the middle of sorting out my life.

sign

sign

The 1st time I listened to this song, I cried despite the cheerful tune. I had absolutely no idea what the song was about, no idea why, and how I came to this state. Ga In's voice... sweet desperation to: be saved, to be heard to be looked for. "mayday"

I guess, now I know why those tears rolled down my cheeks.

Nightmares of past experiences have never left me ever since the last time I sent out the sign, the last time, I whispered a particular person's name in despair, the one and only person I though could read my erratic thought, he left me of 17 years old bleeding till I lost all my sense - in a comma. The beauty of what cannot kill you, is the fact that it makes you so much stronger, callous, till the point you wonder, if this, cannot finish me off, then WHAT will, and WHAT can?

My interpretor, since when did we lose ourselves in translation? Since when could you not be bothered to read my sign?

I thank mom for bringing me back to life, for those times she listened to me crying, those times she drew the perfect line, refusing hear any more nonsense of a weakling, those time she pretended not knowing those salty drops of water were my tears, just to be by my side when I needed her the most. Because I am able to breath today, to walk pass the particular person without stirs, I refuse to send the SOS S.I.G.N to anyone. Isn't it too pitiful, to depend your matter of life and death on the hand of someone else? 50-50, if you yourself are not willing to save you, what make you think someone else will?

These days, for the countless times, I hear a voice in my head, unconsciously sending those "dot dot dot" SOS sign. However, no matter how devastated, no words of complains or misery have been uttered, not to anyone. It's deafening silence. I trapped myself in this glass box, filled top full the torturing liquid - I drown myself inside my Pride.

PRIDE, like those people who is addicted to self mutilation, I make a deliberate choice. I could have killed myself without knowing it. Pride, the very meaning of the word in the dictionary, which definitely should have had Yunho's picture as a famous example: "A strong sense of self-respect, a refusal to be humiliated as well as joy in the accomplishments of oneself or a person, group, or object that one identifies with". It is not about whether I can get 150 recent years of US History in my head or not. It is a must that I have to nail it, because I chose it.

temptation, giving in, giving up... temptation to tap the little "SOS" through the broken phone, give a little hint, the pleading eyes...

S.I.G.N

I just can't do it. I just can't take pity... WHAT FOR? This is my choice, even if it is completely STUPID from the start to chose this scholar-unfriendly combination, to walk away from my chances of sunshine, I start it, therefore I have to end it.

I guess it worths the fight, going against the winds to test my strength. In my fading memory, I remember the vividly the desire of a young girl, 13? 14?... 19, 20? who gave up love, the opportunity to be pampered, cared for, for this rocky path; the particular girl, who cried herself to sleep, singing the only lullaby:
"let me feel, I don't care if I break down
let me fall, even if I hit the ground
and if I, cry a little, die a little
at least I know I lived
just a little"

2.50 am
I am 20, I have 150 years of US History in my hands. My A level comes next week, starting with History, Math, and GP. I understand my situation perfectly well, that I am drowning, but NO, I am not sending SOS sign.


"dot dot dot dot" - in the dark, the broken phone buttons are pressed in dignity, a simple message home:
"mom, I am fine"

gonna be ok

a foreign number
a huge smile on my face
...whisper to the wind
it's gonna be ok

............................

1. on the run
Salty water from the sky soaked my thin jacket. I have been in black ever since. Black, black, blank out. The bursting sound of the alliteration "b" makes me ponder upon certain incidents. I walked in the rain, no rush, no worries, no fuss...

Are you insane?

No, I am not, but I want to be

like we used to be running in the rain, the 4 of us, Christin, Fanie, Cindy and I, running in the rain, splashing heaven's precious tears, completely ignorant of what future might behold.

Now are are not the same, pale and colorless, buried alive underneath the piles and piles of notes. Isn't it tragic? That we desire not the warm sunshine but the rain of the yester-year? the forgone laughters and the innocent games?

I walked against the winds. When the gale is at its peak, I am getting ready for the race now. Get set... The moment the storm embraces my frame, we shall begin. Blood and sweats, tears of victory or failure, all these moments of despair and happiness

were coming back to me. They no longer hurts, or bring me down... Like the sweet reminder of the bitterness I have tasted, they greet me wholeheartedly

4 years... sickening competition, sickening social complains and unreasonable demand, who remember that child with the huge eyes gazing upon Orchard Road, admiring the very place later on she could not wait to get out? I will miss Singapore, I am grateful for this place... but these speeches are redundant now.

till the end of the race

................................................

2. Insa 884
I guess in my small bubble of happiness, my daily dose of serious and nonsensical talk with Cassies, my dearest friends have helped me spread my "insa". I am leaving for a month. Fandom has been great, when Harang is drunk, Tiff is firm enough to make sure doggie does not hum the wrong victim. When Fara and I need to study for exam, Nezz will encourage us to flung all the stupid tests... Just recalling all the moment we share, all the smiles and laughters warms my heart. You have been there for me when my heart breaks a tiny bit. You have seduced me to look at Yunho in a perverted manner which never fails to make me laugh. You have been always there, in both sunny days and gloomy nights. It is so hard to say goodbye. Already at this moment, I have felt the loss, thinking of missing out so much laughters and tears, tight grips across the world

I am so sorry I am leaving at this critical moments when every news is another heartbreak, every truth can be a lie. I regret, I will not be there anymore, in my bubble of fandom...

Tintin, my dearest Xeanne asked me what I thought of Yunho's silence. I said I did not know, but I knew in my heart, I had the answer. Like a deluded girl in love, I gave him the benefit of doubts, that, till he speaks up, explains, I will not doubt him. THis is all I can give, this tiny support. isn't it so easy? To lose faith to whine whine and whine about how hurtful you feel... Well, how dare I say I am hurt and sad, I was not the one who was pain 1% of the amount of money I made, I was not the one who was trapped in a merciless company for 13 years, I was also not the one who had to go to hospital for overwork. How dare I make noises as if I KNEW what is going on.

For the fact that I am not in this mess
For the fact that I believe: even though you can't see the bottom of the ocean, it does not mean you should underestimate the strong currents within.
For the fact that I am sure if I am hurt 1, he must me in pain 100x

For the most crucial fact that I really really love him
I am not doubting any one in DBSK. Final stance, till I hear their voice speaking up, I shall not let the media plays with my emotion


Just a note for Iva: One thing I want to make it clear, I don't believe Iva is human. I am sure this particularly talented Czech movie maker must be made out of sugar and honey. Sweet and kind, naive and ... emotional, Iva was one of my first acquaintances and proudly I announce today, she is truly a friend in my heart. I am not gonna be there every time to make sure u are not sobbing over JJ-one-sided-love, I am not gonna share link, and amazing fics for a while. But hey, if I watch a DBSK clip, I will think of Iva. If I listen to Insa, I will think of Iva. So smile, OK? Laugh my share of happiness also ^^ I really gonna miss u

And I receive your day1 letter also, sweetest thing ever, all the way from Czech. You made this rainy day in Singapore shine.

..............................................................

3. Rummy

I found Rummy blog, "beautiful thing" in a "rainy night", home for the soul of the wanderers like us. On my road to find myself, I find my soul mate. I loath this life here, but I am thankful, for I met you. So even though I have been hurt, I have cried, I have wished I had never gotten tricked into this scholarship, it all pays off, cuz I have met Ruam

...............................................................

4 Gonna be OK
... for all said and done, I am gonna be OK ^^
... DBSK is gonna be OK
... Cassies are gonna be OK
... Rummy is gonna be more than just OK

things will get better, cuz if it has not finished raining YET, if I am still soaked and trapped in my school, well, it's not the end yet

waiting for rainbow ^^

finito

2 days... 3 days

How many hours did I not sleep?


maybe it has gone to the 49th hour as I turned disorientated
I left my cover letter - which was the reason why I went to the Lucky Plaza post office in my room, took the correct bus yet ended up mixing Lucky Plaza and Far East Plaza. I got down from the wrong bus stop, looking like one absolutely mentally unsound person. I mastered the art of talking to a friend while sleeping, he pulled me on his shoulder, wishing his crush does not take 700A at this particular sensitive time - or else I will just fell off my seat - I was till talking, all in half sentence. Something about Ms. Siew Geok and letter and before I finished what I said, I have already added another half sentence.

Collapsed on my bed, after clicking the "submit" button

24 hours, I woke up once to tell Fanie: I am hungry, then slept again, forgetting I was starving.

Ate a proper meal for he 1st time after 5 days at 3pm today

Darryl called, just to laughed at me: "You should be glad I am gay, sleeping on my shoulder like that!". - Dearest, you are not gay, you just don't like me in that particular way, and maybe that's why I love being around you so much, you and your sarcastic remarks.

I have done, what I could within my power
Now I left it to your blessing, I regret, still depending on you though you have already gone away. I really want to make you proud